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It all meant nothing to Nikita. When he said that he didn't like her when she was angry or sad, there was such an immediate sense of isolation, that she felt like a planet being unformed out in space. She was catapulted out of her orbit and roared in a solar wind that spoke of nothing. She watched him leave in spite of herself. It was like going to a funeral in her heart. She wanted to accept rather than understand it. She wanted to keep the image of his departure inside her mind forever. No wonder love was painful. Nikita quickly realised that her predicament had little to do with their newly forming relationship and everything to do with her own fragility and existence itself. She spent the next two hours lying on her motel room bed beneath a white sheet, as if to sleep inside a shroud. What took place inside her heart was the lonely cry of abandonment and the pain of loss. With his physical departure, her life that would have combined with his life left her also. 'Are you okay?' Jackie asked, wildly hating the disease. 'Forget about it! The next bus will be along soon.' Nikita looked so miserable and forlorn. All hope had gone out the door with him. 'I told you not to give it away,' Sharlena stroked her pale forehead, 'for a start Mr Alldat had dog's breath.' 'Well,' Nikita admitted, 'he was okay, but there were little things about him that irritated me.' 'I'm tellin' you it's a blessing that you got rid of him so quickly. He would have only been trouble in the future. Did he know that you were going to America to find a husband?' 'No.' 'Get over it, Nikita.'
The next two jobs for Nikita were little men with ponytails. One was really dumb and looked like Warwick Capper. He was also friendly and booked her for two hours. Midway through the foreplay he left the motel room and ran home and got some more money. But Nikita, who normally craved touch from any number of men, felt destitute and sullen. The foolish act of wearing her heart on her sleeve had caused her to lose interest in the job. 'Nothing is as intense as affection,' she said. 'Yeah,' said Sharlena, 'but that guy didn't pay you for it and these guys did. You know honey, I had more mental stimulation and affection from that American the other night, than I had from my husband in five years, and he paid me five hundred bucks for it!' 'Don't put your heart into the hands of losers,' said Jackie, 'please don't do it any more. You've been hurt enough.' Nikita looked like a small marsupial about to clean its face with its paws, all bunched up like a koala, as she cried to an audience. She was a favourite among the women, softening their hearts in buds and making their eyes weepy like rain clouds.
Nikita speaks: How many more do I have to go through to come to the same conclusion? Jackie said, 'It's best to be choosy. You should want a man as dumb as my dog, but not dumber.' Well Jackie, realistically speaking, I know that nothing can ever come of it, 'cause while he desires a woman in stockings he thinks that he is not worthy of it. As I've found out they'd rather stay that way than change. Of course, I don't hang around long enough to change 'em. But I wanted him. Not for sex, I can get that anywhere. You see, I was lonely, real lonely. We were lying on the beach at East Point at sunset. I was hugging his waist like a child while he stroked my hair and forehead. We don't get enough touch in this world, not like that. All the while we were together on that beach, this voice was crying out inside me. 'I'm so lonely, I'm so lonely.' Of course I never let him see any of that. I was just what he wanted me to be, happy, carefree and needing nothing from him. He thinks I'm beautiful. That's all he can see. He can't see past surfaces and his own insecurities. I guess by now he's worked out what he can get out of me. He's just like that Canadian I went out with once, you remember the one I told you about, the middle aged guy? I sat him down and asked him, 'What can I give you?' As it turns out, he had a whole list of things he thought I could give him. At first I thought it was really cute, because he knew what I had to offer. I thought that he valued me. But it wasn't that at all. It was simply that he knew what he wanted. But then comes the next question, the trick question if you like. I asked him, 'And what can you give me?' Well, he wasn't quite ready for that one! At first he didn't know at all and then he said, 'Financial security.' I thought, here we go again. He wanted me to be an amateur prostitute because he couldn't afford the real thing. Jackie said, 'Well, that's what you call building up to a moment.' These guys have empty hearts and full testicles. 'As long as they have full wallets,' Sharlena said. 'But it's not as simple as that,' said Jackie, 'they're not like clients. They only know two things: what it takes to fill themselves with, primarily food and then what they can fill with semen in return, primarily women. Their sprog is what they give to the world and that's only because it feels good. Then they're hung-up about that being messy or dirty. I'm not talking about all men, only ninety-nine point nine percent of them.' |
