94. i'm reading a dictionary of fear, from a hospital bedroom
i'm reading a dictionary of fear, from a hospital bedroom, fear has come to me in daily cycles, the fear of burning to death, or that the house will burn down, & that i will burn to death in my bed, i see smoke drifting under the crack of the bedroom door while i am trying to get to sleep, i smell smoke & hear the fire quietly crackling outside the room, i'm terrified to feel the door in case the wood is warm, so i take the risk & cry myself to sleep under the sleeping bag, i'm scared about driving the car in case it explodes & i burn to death in it, i no longer feel confident about starting the ignition, so eddie drives & checks the heroin house for spiders, i can't sleep at night, in case there is a cockroach in my bed, during the day i'm scared of spiders appearing around my shoulders, the back of my neck or the sides of my face, my hands & feet become the focus of my unhappiness, they cause me great distress, air is moving through them, they cause me anxiety by being connected to my body, i continually crack my fingers & toe joints, throughout the day eddie massages them, which gives me great relief & relaxation, i tell him to chop off my hands & feet, as they don't feel like they should be there, i twist & crack them throughout the night, i feel extreme irritation towards my hands & feet, this often disturbs my sleep, then death, i'm scared that my friends & family have died, i make preparations to attend their funerals, involving other people, focusing on the death of eddie & my counsellor, in the end no-one will listen to me, i phone eddie's mother preparing for the news of his death, later she bashes me with a phone receiver & i hit her, i got one in on the jaw, she scratches me up the forearms & pushes me out the front door, later she says to her son, 'that bitch fight like a man', i am shocked when my mother & grandmother visit me the next day, i thought they had died, i'm afraid that eddie will get old & die before me, i fear the physical body & the clumsiness of it, i'm scared of walking in case i hurt myself, there is a loss of trust, particularly on my way up & down stairs, or stepping down into gutters or driveways, i've forgotten how to walk, i'm frightened that i'm going to have a baby & that as a result of it my body will fall apart, i'm afraid of the dark, i go to sleep with a bed lamp on so the M.I.B.s don't come in |
