93. i am happy for the rats to be on me, together we have come out into the day
how do you know when you are truly well?, you keep telling yourself, i feed the dogs, take a shower, maintain my room, have a neat appearance, but what impact am i having in this society today?, how do i make a contribution?, in order to make it better?, it takes years to recover, my appearance is weak, quiet, verging on unpleasant to touch, on the outside there is a blankness, a fragility, but on the inside i am split down the middle, cyclonic, thundery, i have been sick for a long time, i don't know who i am, i was frightened of my own hairs that fell across my face, i thought it was the blade of a sickle carried by a shadow, eddie led me gently to the toilet, i screamed out in my nightie, as dark men jumped out from the dark corners, & it was like there was something in the house behind me when i left, that made the hairs on the back of my neck stand on end, once my girlfriend nicki had forgotten her jacket, so just after we left the house i had to go straight back in & get it, i burst back in & almost cried out, the house had already become accustomed to our absence & had quickly filled in the gaps, the dread rose up inside me like mercury in a thermometer, it had moved up after us as we left, waiting behind the door, now that i had gone back into the house, i was directly confronted with it, it filled in space with its ferocious presence, like that dark man that took the place of boyfriends, took it upon itself to fill in the spaces left by their departure, as if the room was capable of being filled now that it was empty, something dark came forward to feed off all my loving emotions, the afterglow still left in me attracted something in, i ended up lying on the floor in a supermarket when the shelves got too confusing, i escaped old delusions by creating new ones, i wasn't strong enough to know the world as i know it today, i had to be lowered gently back into life, i was very sick, i hadn't been out in the sun for a long time, the brightness hurt my skin, the two lab rats in my care, that moved across my windcheater, when i was very ill, were a comfort to me, in that they felt the same way, trying to rush under my dark knotty hair, to rest on my shoulder, to hide, rats slither in a fashion similar to snakes, along their fat bellies with sleek pelts, i am happy for the rats to be on me, together we have come out into the day, the sunlight on our nocturnal situations, when we are tired we will go back inside |
