80. he sees my white dress & knows that i am doing well, he sees my black dress & worries
he sees my white dress & knows that i am doing well, he sees my black dress & worries, he sees my black & white dress & knows my western extremities, he suggests yellow & orange, but i do not wear patterns, jewellery, make-up or florals, it is too exhausting, i have been wandering around aimlessly, confused, collapsed at shopping centres & in malls, hidden down on the floor inside the nissan patrol during helpless moments when eddie took us to sydney, because the buildings & traffic signals made me ill, so sick that i felt like throwing up on myself, i told my counsellor that i couldn't get home, & slept under a tree outside the centre, he told me how to get home, but i forgot to go there, so eddie came & picked me up, i talked politics at the beginning of sessions, in the last ten minutes i said what i really wanted to, he said, 'you don't want to get better do you?', he made me cry & i couldn't look at him for a long time, every time i asked him, 'when will i be better?,' he looked at his digital watch & said, 'in about ten minutes', everything in the room is still, this exasperates my movement, i want a knee-jerk reaction, i want the buddhist counsellor to twitch a facial muscle, i jump up & down on the book of mindfulness he loaned me, but he just sits quietly & observes, i'm afraid that he doesn't like me, i have no indication of how i am doing from his expression, his eyes are concentrated & compassionate, but unmoving, his stillness compensates for my movement, this balances out the environment of the room, i have no indication of how to come back, i wait for him to ask me what day it is & know that i always forget, i forget what month it is, i communicate by dreams & videos, i tell the time by looking out the window |
