76. it was like expecting an american spellcheck on the computer to spell VEGAN, when it kept spelling VEGAS
i would like to know why slightly crooked rear vision mirrors, inside family cars, fluster fathers in australian suburbs?, exactly what was dad adjusting it around?, too often i had seen a flash of my mother's eyes in it, & the way she viewed me in the backseat, every time she looked at me i could see her distaste, & i just sat there & believed it for the years that i was in her presence, dad's hang-ups about the rear vision mirror being knocked turned into mine later down the track, as a eight-year-old, i wanted him to shift that rear vision mirror in order to see me, through his slitty green eyes, even if it meant getting lined up as a target, but after i was hit, he flicked it back to the traffic again & it was never worth it, i was also not seen by my lover, at twenty-eight, when i said good-bye out in the dark beneath a maple tree, my words sounded so tiny, his forehead up in the window, he was doing his work, getting on with his life, what was i waiting for?, he never looked up, i guess i wanted him so badly to love me, i just didn't want to believe it, that he wasn't coming down after all, there was a moment when i stopped the car & waited, during this stalling process, everything began to howl around me, i was desolate & all at once the holden lit up as if by huge headlights, i closed my eyes & a magnificent death passed behind & cut sheer into the paintwork on the tailgate, i wanted to hop on for the ride but it was like a train thundering past, it was like my car had its tail end on the track, & although we were chipped, it was by & large too fast for us to go with, i drove away from my lover's window, & once the wind picked up & came rushing into the car all around me, i thought 'that wind's not so cold after all, & the night's not so dark & dismal', the more action i took, the easier it got, time was rushing by me faster aided by the wind, that same year, as i drove away from my mother's new place in macquarie fields, she had her head turned, i had a 1000 km drive to melbourne ahead of me, she never saw me go, whereas i managed to do two things at the one time, i managed to look at the side of her head whilst also driving the car away down the street, taking my eyes off the road in order to look at her not looking at me, i said to my girlfriend anne, who was eating cherries, 'just look at her', anne started to laugh, my mother had no feelings inside herself at all for me at this point, she never would, & she never did, it was like expecting an american spellcheck on the computer to spell VEGAN, when it kept spelling VEGAS, as a child i used to blame myself, & learnt to live the heart-broken life, now we drove off together, laughing & shaking our heads, it is most likely my mother wouldn't look out onto the road & remember where i had been, she would just get on with other things, & this was the last time i worried about it, it just didn't hurt again after that, anne is a great girlfriend, together we laughed out all the pain |
