36. in any race or swimming event, i would always come last
in any race or swimming event, i would always come last, sinking like a concrete slab into the bright water, as i chopped up the pool like a dying boat engine, i felt all the other student competitors glide past me like platypus, my feet dragged down by sinkers, i almost gave up, but something inside insisted on pushing me forward, so that i tried harder for nothing & the fear intensified, in the end i was not struggling with the weight of water, i was floundering within myself, on the edge of drowning inside all my emotions, nevertheless i tried to keep my cool, thrashing through that water at the swimming carnival, knowing that i was coming last, but i felt like sobbing, & soon all my energy was directed towards trying to hold something in, of trying to keep it together, even when i knew i was a miserable failure, not only at the swimming carnival but in my life, & that i was unloved & unworthy of love, & that was why i was not only failing at my life, but that was why i was coming last, so when the big hook of the physical education teacher clawed down into the water to grab me, because i was so far behind the others that i was interrupting the race, it was almost a relief to be chucked up onto the side, onto whistle of hot cement like a drowned rat in front of the crowd, whilst the other girls were applauded, & a relief to be finally defeated & at rest in a water puddle, but the biggest relief was yet to come, the biggest relief was when i didn't feel anything |
