61. i hate you, you know how to hurt me
you know how to hurt me, that's why i hate you, i've had thoughts of controlling you & i hate what i can't control, i've had thoughts of permanent fixtures & security, & i hate you for what i could lose which is you, i'm fearful of the mystery in you which causes me to change, i hate you for the challenge that is before me, but most of all i hate my vulnerability & my potential to be hurt, i hate you for the pain you are about to cause me & i hate that every time it is caused i have to take responsibility, i hate being so strong, but i'm afraid to be weak & broken down, i hate knowing that i have become helpless with desire for you, soon i'll have to surrender, to be confronted again with my own death, & i hate you for that, i only hate you because i love you, i wanted you so much that in your absence i imagined your heavy body on top of mine as i fell asleep, i was content to have you breathing & the heaviness of you upon me, to stop myself from drifting away into the night of the room, but still you were mindless, like a big hug, how much do we all cut off from our emotions to receive that mindless hug?, hugs are so intense that the crushing sensation, of being squeezed with love, would be all too much for me, when i'm hugged i go all stiff like a surfboard, my emotions have hit the skytop, now i'm in love, i have the potential to be hurt by you, so i can't help but hate you for it, for as soon as the vulnerability sets in, you become my enemy, i can admit it, i want you, i want you, i hate you for it, i love & hate that love exists between us, because now i have been toppled from my safe position |
