60. i will have to kill my dogs eventually, & then keep living
i will have to kill my dogs eventually, & then keep living, who will go first?, kindi is the highly-strung one, she would notice what was happening, as binda slipped from his life into my hands, she would watch him die with her kelpie eyes, that would be accusing me of playing god, & that would be blaming me for the death of her lifelong companion, she would die betrayed inside, unforgiving, her eyes like darts, her small twitch into nothing, then if she died first, it would be all for binda's viewing, binda is the big blue sook, the scared one, dependent on her for his learning, for the hours of long grass & soldier beetles in the backyard, for days when i wasn't there, for bellies on cold cement & one ear open for my car engine purring down the street, binda would see kindi die first & this would put the fear into him, he would know his situation was desperate & would turn to me for everything, then i would betray him, for the last time, this is what i think of when i get depressed, & i admit to inflicting these sad & nasty images upon myself, knowing i will hardly be able to live afterwards, yet i have no choice, i know that after all the years shared with my dogs, & after all the trust they have put into me, that one day it will come to this, i abhor myself & cannot accept the responsibility, i have done everything i can to keep them alive & happy, i have had to be functional enough to look after my dogs, now i'm holding their gorgeous heads in my hands, heads that will one day fall against me, so that i limp off into the sunlight without them & fade away |
