97. the long-billed corellas that destroy the picnic tables of central victoria
'we're lucky we're dealing with an endangered species', said ranger bloodaxe of the national parks & wildlife service, 'if these birds were in their original numbers, we could be looking at mass destruction of epidemic proportions, the pesky birds would have inevitably made their way to the city botanical gardens & the melbourne cricket ground', mr coleman, the minister for unnatural resources said, 'these birds are an environmental hazard & have very nasty temperaments to boot', sergeant player, from maryborough police station stated, 'recent photographic evidence has suggested that these birds have a number of important common characteristics, that is, they tend to have very big beaks, keen strong eyes that can spot a pristine picnic table from 100 km away & the will to kill painted wood, they will pick the paint off young picnic tables without any visible conscience in them', mr woodcock, a castlemaine resident from the picnic tables supporters group said, 'the selective, localised & unpredictable nature of these wood chompers is frightening to say the least, you never know where they are going to strike next, one thing's for certain, if there's a picnic table erected within earshot, you can be sure of a swift & calculated attack', farmer citrus added, 'yar biggest worry is ther red gums, some of which are up tar 800 years old, corellas are strippin' ther bark orf branches at a frightenin' rate, soon there'll be no more trees left tar clear', on a channel ten news bulletin, it was reported that 'a fire that raged across central victoria in 1980 is believed to have been started by a power cable being shorted by a long-billed corella with an attitude problem, that same day baling twine was cut, hay damaged, bagged grain eaten, bags holed & grain storage silos held hostage, some domestic electricity supplies were also cut, with the potential of food spoilage in household freezers', an employee from telecom australia said that 'the birds were a threat to our telecommunications systems', that they were 'snapping the wire with their beaks', mr woodcock added, 'picnic tables are not the only victims, they will go for verandahs, pergolas, cricket bats, weatherboard cladding & the sticks used to support fairy floss at the local fair', a recent announcement was made by the town mayor of maryborough, who said 'golf courses, bowling greens, tennis courts, ovals & racecourses are no longer safe, long-billed corellas pull out long nails from iron rooves, light fittings & other fixtures & are also causing deliberate & malicious damage at sporting facilities, some plexipave grass at a horsham tennis court sustained irreparable damage, when long-billed corellas dug holes in it', sergeant player added 'the alleged parrot was operating illegally with murderous intent, it is believed to be a revenge killing provoked by recent sale & export of our native wildlife, these perpetrators must be stopped', 'a national strategy for the conservation of australia's biological diversity of rest stops, barbecue & picnic areas needs to be adhered to', said a national party politician, mr coleman added 'while i'm alive these menaces from the dreamtime won't be destroying any more picnic tables that were meant for the elderly, cripples & future generations of young australians', he then concluded, 'one thing's for certain, with the right support, through generous donations from people such as yourself, the picnic tables of central victoria will outlive the long-billed corella' |
