|
MARCH 28TH, 1998, SPEC
This psycology is wearing many layers of coats in midsummer, and not being aware that everybody else had shed their's in spring, it's like a city park tree that hangs onto its fruit and its blossoms and wonders why the fruit flies are attracted to the rotting, it's an isolation experience and one that the tree wouldn't have had to endure, should it have been planted in an orchard rather than a concrete desert, you must drop the fruit and not collect it when the warmer weather arrives, I was trying to shed and peel, but dropping weight is a traumatic thing, you feel protected by what you carry, even though you know that the armour worn by knights was too heavy, and most deaths on the field, during the battle period, were caused by knights falling backwards and not being able to get back up, peeling back the layers hurts, you think you are being ringbarked with a pick, the worse thing is when your own hands reach out to help you strip behind the peeling process, it's more than being severely sunburnt, you are involved in the painful process of peeling off your own identity, I guess it's the worst thing and the best thing all at once, I was eventually a speck that you wouldn't notice on your window sill, I was reduced to a fly or fly shit, there was something that landed on my arm and it was very small and dark, I realised it had a personality but it was too small and nasty to detect, to try and detect it might have caused further insanity, Nicki once said that if the grass felt pain she would kill herself, in general she actually loved living, but she said, 'I am thankful that the grass doesn't feel pain,' she had given up eating every animal product but still things suffered, this is how I would feel, if I had to think about the personality of every algae, germ, insect, bacteria, invertebrate and microorganism that I have killed, it would sadden me to the point of non-survival, therefore I didn't look too hard for my personality in the speck that had become me, I simply stared at my counsellor through the eyes that only a person reduced to a speck would have, 'I am ready,' I said, 'to go forward into my new life,' my personality from then on was our beautiful creation, we put a lot of effort into it, although he was not the type to take any credit, he left it all up to me and I was happy, now everything is a lot simpler in my life, dropping off the heavy luggage of pain and madness has been a huge relief, why hadn't anyone bothered to tell me, that in reality it was simpler to live on earth than I could have ever imagined? |
