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MARCH 16TH, 1998, DEEP DOWN INSIDE SHE IS BAD
I find myself needing more and more affirmation from the very same people who are putting me down, this is an insatiable and perpetual need, this is because my esteem is worn low, and I am trying to make them love me or prove that I am worthy of love to them, I have bothered to give them power and dignity, as a result they hate more outright as they do not know what gift has been handed to them, they are greedy for the gold of it and it sends them into outrageous moments, the ironic thing is that whilst these kind of obssesive thoughts are being schemed up, about how hateful and violent I am, my life and who I am has nothing to do with any of the allegations made, so much so that I was disturbed, but I laughed, it was not nervous fake laughter, it was hearty pleasurable laughter at the insanity of the situation, and then it continued deeper into the situation of the cosmos, its creepy uninhabitable inhospitable environment, it was also a sad laughter for the matter of the world, I had actually been running around spending all my money and rescuing battery hens from cages on farms, but what would they say to this?, they would say, 'anything good that she ever does in her life is only a front, deep down inside she is violent and bad,' then my girlfriend said, 'part of you would be violent as you have come from a violent background,' I gave her the power to say this, I am thinking now I feel judged by her on my violence, I feel more comfortable to judge her on hers, perhaps she is violent because she knows that suffering is beside her, but she chooses not to see it, 'has she ever worked for animals?' my father asks, 'no,' I said, 'that's right,' he said, 'she's too cunning for that, you're the stupid one, you gave twenty years of your life to that lot and at the end of it you got a kick in the teeth,' I did it for the animals not the politics,' I said, he said, 'you did it for nothing and you have nothing,' yet in my girlfriend's eyes I am violent, perhaps apathy is violence, perhaps superficiality is violence, in the end I felt so violent that as I was lifting the injured hen's from the cages, I felt like I was hurting them when I wasn't, I was saving them from torture and slaughter, but still I felt violent, it didn't make sense that a violent person was doing this so it could be only one of two things, that is I was indeed violent and enjoyed inflicting a rescue on a small defenseless bird that would prefer torture over a life of sunlight and grass, or that my whole life of working compassionately for animals was really just a cover-up for how violent I was inside, therefore I was deceiving myself and trying to deceive the rest of the human world, deceit and not compassion was the real reason behind every action I took, of course within this human world, there were some who through their extreme perception combined with cleverness, were able to see clearly through my life's charade and beyond my compassion and into my violent soul, they actually made this their life's ambition, and that is to steer well clear of self analysis and obsess over me, under the circumstances there comes a point where it is best not to think about what they are doing, it is also best not to talk to them too much and too often, as talking to them invites them to tell you all about yourself, this world seems to be a very unhealthy place, stupidity is rewarded and the brave and compassionate are condemned, I'm not perfect but I have worked hard and long in trying to do the right thing, I feel like a health food store in a ghetto, today all the porn and tobacco shops are being broken into and try as I might to protect myself with my security systems, I have also been broken into, living in this shoddy dangerous area makes me as delapidated as the other buildings, whether I care to admit it or not, at this point I can only say that I am trying to stock healthy food on my shelves, it is only natural that under the circumstances I may be approached by a thief or a vandal. |
