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LIFE IN THE CEMETERY
6. Psychic Gun
one step closer & you're history!, come out with your hands up!, get out from behind that gravestone buddy!, fucking show yourself!, now!, did you hear me?, what do you take me for?, a fucken moron?, i said move!, i wouldn't fucken trust you as far as i could fucken throw you, you are either very very fucken nice or the best fucken con artist i've ever come across & since now one's nice, we're in for fucken trouble here, you've got trouble written all over your face, now stick 'em up!, or i'll shoot!, you think you can fool me, what do you fucken take me for?, a fucken clown?, no one's nice no one, least likely you sweetheart, now empty your pockets!, now!, is that all you carry?, well i don't trust you, too fucken clever for your own fucken good, too fucken passive, too fucken smooth, your concealing something, now drop it!, drop it!, one wrong move buddy & you're history!, i was about to mow him down, to fill his body with bullets, but he just looked at me like a sook, its too passive, too quiet, this cemetery, with him like a presence, no fuck that, i didn't trust it, now stand back!, all of you!, keep your fucking distance or i'll shoot!, i wave my gun crazily at the headstones, whilst i back away, but they don't come towards me & nothing moves in the earth beneath them, so i wander slowly back, my gun dropped, weary, hoping they still love me, that there will be a place for my lonely self in the shadow of their cold stone, my psychic gun tucked away in my pocket, it's a cover up, go take a hike, i try not to turn the gun on the enemy too soon, i'm saving some up for later, the nicer i am the more you've got to watch me, watch my actions, don't listen to my words, i am fickle & can feed your insecurities, i am moody & can make life very uncertain, can say things i really believe, then a second later every thing has changed, i have no loyalty, having been through too much & am on the verge of disappearing, i ride my smashed up life like a shockwave, i live entirely in the present, forget things that have been done & said, go where i am treated the best & cannot interpret positive signals, or signals of love, i cannot interpret negative ones either, but tend to make them up, i make up many other things, like i'm highly strung, jumpy, on the edge most of the time, i carry a psychic gun & suspect that others carry the same, i trust no one, say a car just backfired & i hit the floormat rubber with my hands, covering my ears, that's right, i thought someone was firing a gun, now you figure it out, how healthy am i?, what kind of background have i come from? any minute he's going to turn on my me so i'll turn on him first, mow them all down, with my psychic gun, drop the big one, they say attack is the best defense, but i don't even realise when i'm doing it, too frightened to put myself at risk, too weak, to suffer hurt, too frightened to experience a bit of pain in the heart that time will heal, in addition i knew i was doing it, but that i couldn't help myself, there was of course the option of the firearm, the psychic gun, one last warning buddy, it's when i go quiet that you've got to watch me, you've got to learn to read the danger signs, charlie, i stepped out from behind a headstone with the psychic gun pointed straight at his chest, but he didn't respond, then i turned, whipped the pistol out of my back pocket, dropped down to the balls of my feet, freeze!, freeze!, don't move or i'll shoot!, but he just sat down in the grass, like a puppy, looking at me, he was ready to curl up, i shook my head, trying to snap myself out of it, i was responding to a past that no longer existed, i was applying past rules to a new relationship, i was rolling with the punches that hadn't even made contact with my skin, he was docile, a stray, as tacky & peaceful as the catholic section of a cemetery, he was quietly being innocent, showing me his damaged goods, i didn't like him from the start & then i loved him, i said, don't move buddy!, if you know what good for you sunny boy!, or i'll stick it where the sun don't shine!, got it bud?, go take a hike!, but he just went to sleep, he is the biggest con artist around, then feeling unloved, i thought he had gone to a gun dealer & purchased an illegal firearm with which to kill me, why had i trusted him?, it's all been a terrible lie, a horrible mistake, i have been a fool, i'm backing off & he said in a gentle voice, 'how are you today? is something up? would you like to go for a coffee or prefer to be left alone,' just when i was about to fill him with bullets, he got all loving, all lovey dovey on me & i just couldn't do it, finally impotent, he turned his back & quietly walked away, leaving me abandoned, in the mood for conflict, i have to be slapped around a bit to understand a persons need for me, i have to be roughed up & made fearful, i cannot receive these signals he is sending me, i am left terrified, ultimately alone, with no defenses, with the psychic gun, resting on my lap across my knees, between my legs, dangerous & pointing outwards, come back or i'm going to die!, or you're going to die or both of us are!, if you know what's good for you sunshine!, god, she abandoned me in this way, she as cold as ice, i died & died inside & still i was living, i clung to my childhood insanity, i turned inside out like a squashed insect, i did anything i could to survive, i went crazy, god i should have stopped my mother leaving, i should have shot her down, but again, i just let her go, what could i do as a baby?, now his warm & clammy hand, i feel a rush upon my body like a bullet, heat, flies in the air like tinsel & glitter, a thousand eyes swarming, i am becoming frail dizzy, i have no boundaries, i think i will kill you with no happy attitude, no guilt, no pity, no remorse, i stood there with the gun & had so little power, & will have even less if i pull the trigger |
