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BRINGING HOME THE STRAYS
8. The Absent Lover
i am absent in his life, even whilst i stand in front of him, he sees me as a blur with red lipstick, when my girlfriend arrived she was roughly the same size & shape as me, we responded in a similar way to each other, she also had red lipstick on, so he emanated towards her, he follows red lipstick awaiting rejections or a compliment, if rejected he will move away or stand & take it lying down, if accepted he will curl up in a fetal position & by the time you turn around to reach for your cup of coffee, his head will be quietly curled up in your lap & he'll be sucking his thumbs all over the place, 'don't hurt me,' he says without speaking, he acknowledges me as sound, if the words i utter are a rejection or some form of caring, anything inbetween cannot be absorbed, does not hold his interest, he is ready to be rejected or looked after, he acknowledges me as a great blur wearing red lipstick, he has commented three times on my red lipstick, he follows my lips around because that is where the sound is uttered from, come, sit, good boy, here's you dinner, i will feed & look after you, it takes all his energy & consideration to slop it into his mouth, or to roll over & sleep, or to notice anything in me beyond this, recently he has put his arm around me & some feelings may have arisen in him, then suddenly he has become very ill & confused, now the game playing will start, where he tries to get me to look after him, like betty the dog from the adelaide pound, remember the way she dragged us in, with those big bruised eyes & her muscular frame, she was so patient & quiet that we just had to take her home, but the moment we were in the cage, she jumped in twelve foot leaps like a pogo, all around my face, in this way she came to into being, a boisterous & crazy dog, she leapt she leapt, at first she was careful, considerate, as she drew us in, afterall she had been fighting for her life, in the same way as him, in the best way she knew how, they are survivors & as you may have picked up already, all this conversation has been focused on him & his needs, so already together we have begun to look after him, we have begun our slow distribution of emotional energy, yet he is absent, we are the carers, but we are not to expect anything from him, well you can if you want to, but what good will it do you?, something has newly crashed into my own vulnerable light which has become just a little darker as it dies against me & tries to live again, furthermore a few abandonment issues are coming up, due to my own needs not being met, i feel very alone, this is because i am desiring, then i am guilty for not looking after him, then i am left needing, something which he cannot give, then feelings of abandonment & misery & so on it goes |
