35. The Missing Person
i lived in poverty for so long that i thought i
was destroyed inside, that even if i did
receive money, that no amount was going to
mend the years of scraping, poorness is
politically incorrect, cannot be spoken about
under any circumstances, it's a really
degrading thing & no-one believes you, no-
one with any money understands the situation
& you don't want them to, you just want to
be left alone, you are beyond caring, there is
a missing person inside you that hasn't been
found yet, if you won a million dollars you
wouldn't feel a thing, well after living most
of my first thirty years in poverty, i did come
into a small amount of money, which meant i
would never have to so obviously go without
food again, well, at least for three years, after
a week of getting used to the idea i became
very happy, almost ecstatic inside, i wept on
the way to the supermarket, never told
anybody about this, i felt so conspicuous
buying all that food, like i was going to be
robbed or something, i would have felt more
comfortable if someone had taken that money
away from me, i felt on top of the world, i
found an old note i wrote to a friend, to
remind me of another time, it said: just spent
the last of my pension on bills & a bit of
food, the dogs are on rations again, i've got
half a tank of petrol & twelve dollars left for
the fortnight, there are alot of people living
on thirty dollars a week after bills, i'm
relying on the family in sydney to send me
some cash for christmas for food, otherwise
i'm ringing st vincent de paul, they come to
your house, i'm not waiting in queues in
charities anymore, you are likely to get
knocked on the head on the way out for a box
of cornflakes & it's degrading, things will
improve, you know some things can never be
made better, like the time i starved at
christmas, i had a few olives & a little bit of
falafel, my dog toby died on boxing day, i
never had enough money to feed him
properly the day before he died, when the vet
came i never had enough money to put him
down, to get rid of him after fifteen years, i'm
lucky i had a roof over my head, my nan &
pop had just put in for the bond on a big old
empty terrace house, if i wasn't in that i
would have been still on the street, living out
of the back of the car, i remember crying that
i wanted to die in a phone box to sydney,
because i was very ill, had no food &
nowhere to live, i was always sent a few
dollars after dropping to this level, it was like
a dog going to the ground, it was like i had to
drop down to my knees before they helped
me, it helped a bit, but ultimately nothing can
take away the pain of that day, i felt
completely betrayed as the vet carried toby's
body away, the next day a minister from
kensington christian network arrived with a
dustpan, brush, some detergent & a mop so i
could clean the house & gain some dignity, i
cleaned up where my dog had pissed on the
carpet in my bedroom, from where i had
rubbed his nose in it, because he had pissed
on my face as i slept on the floor, it was just
that he was confused & frightened because he
was dying, but i just couldn't cope anymore,
with not one more thing, so i rubbed his nose
in it & threw him out into the backyard, his
sour old piss dripping off me, but i really
regret doing this to him, it's one of the few
things i regret, he was hyperactive, after i had
thrown him out, i heard him dragging up &
down the concrete outside, scraping his long
claws on the cement, i'll never know whether
he was hungry or whether he was just dying, i
drifted in & out of sleep, wishing i would die
instead, rather than having to kill him, or to
live my life the way i had been, i'll always
wonder how alone he was during those hours
outside, how alone an old dog gets just before
his death, it was my last night with him after
fifteen years, i just left him out there, because
i'd really had enough, when i was ten he sat
in the basket of my new bike, with his floppy
ears & little puppy face looking out, he was a
real doggy looking dog, it was the best
birthday i ever had, now i'm twenty five, well
just look at how it all ended up, i have hated
my poverty on many levels over the years,
but most of all i have hated poverty for this |
