1.
she collapses at his house. they sit talking on his bed. he nibbles at her toes through her stockings. he has changed the sheets to pale pink to match her dress. she said that it wasn't necessary to go to any trouble. she is worried about what he will expect. she told him it would be nice to sleep beside someone again. but she does not want sex. he smiles. but his face is hardened stone. she feels alone. he tells her to relax. he tells her how he has a lot of friends stay over night. that there doesn't have to be sex. she still doesn't trust him changing the sheets. but she is satisfied with this.
then he suprises her. she thought he was a dancer. she only danced with him for this reason. then he tells her the reason he learnt to dance is to achieve penetration. he tells her that his favourite position is missionary. he says that his idea of a good time revolves around his own stimulation. that he has a small cock. that he has on occasion dressed up as a woman. an odd little man she thinks. she thinks of leaving. she thinks she likes him best when they are dancing. now she isn't sure about anything. will she stay or will she go? she feels herself slipping. she collapses at his house.
are you okay? are you okay? no answer. he moves closer towards her mouth. no answer. he turns her mouth towards him. her chin between his fingers. he desires a womanly reaction. but he doesn't get one. her eyes are cold marbles. her face is grey like stone. she isn't speaking. her eyes are vacant & downward reaching. it is getting late. he feels angry. he pulls her lower lip down over her chin & lets it flick back into position. when there is no reaction he assumes she is faking & does it again.
he finds himself in conflict. desiring a reaction from her. but the man is impatient & now he dislikes her. he pulls her lip down several more times. a little harder. there is no reaction. she is a rock. he looks at her lip. it is stretched & a little bit swollen. yet he feels she must want it. she hasn't tried to stop him. he is hurting her feelings. she wants to cry with hurt. but she is collapsed. she can feel nothing. except her lip like a shutter blind rolling back into position.
2.
the last time i went dancing with him i started to go a bit vague. i told him about my catatonia. i said if i collapse not to panic. but to ring my flatmate or the hospital. or just drive me home. just let me come out of it on my own. i think i made this quite clear. then i go to his place for a coffee after the dance. i make it very clear that i do not want sex. although i would like to stay the night. i feel that i shouldn't even have to mention sex to him. but you know what some men are like. well i'm at his place & i feel fairly relaxed. he was all right for a while. but then he starts talking dirty. he changes the sheets. to cut a long story short i go pretty vague. then i collapse. it gets worse. as soon as he is sure i can't defend myself. he starts pulling my lips with his hands. it hurts. then i can feel him lifting my arms & dropping them again. i decide i don't want to stay. but i can't move. at the dance he seemed okay. then he gets naked & begins to grope me. he has his hands around my neck. i'm frightened he'll choke me. when he is sure i can't move. he says good i like them that way.
3.
catatonia - after a certain period of excitement, which is characterised by agitated, apparently aimless behaviour, the catatonic slows down, sooner or later reaching a state of total passivity, withdrawal & almost complete immobility.
in the most typical cases the catatonic resembles a statue. the catatonic seems completely detached from the world. we can tell her the most disturbing news - for instance, that a man she has just met is about to rape her - & she will not even blink.
this detachment is only superficial. inside her there is a volcano of emotion. although catatonics have appeared to remain impassive to what was told them, at the end of the catatonic episode, they have been able to repeat accurately what they heard.
thus they proved that they were very much in contact with the world, but could not respond to such contact with external behaviour, not even with the slight movements required to utter words.
4.
i don't want my bra off. he must see it on my face. because he is saying. oh yes. it's coming off. i want tits. he lifts my arm & lets it go. it drops limply onto the bed. i am faced towards him. i am slobbering on his pillow. but i cannot move my head. i want to move my body away from him. want to close my mouth & face him. but nothing. he rolls me over & unhooks my bra. he yanks it off over my shoulders. almost ripping it. it is my only nice bra i think. my arm is twisted. i can't breathe. i suffocate on mouthfuls of pink cotton. begin to fade away. my face still & blue. then he rolls me over. so he can see my breasts. he licks his thumbs & rubs my nipples. they become erect. see you are responding to me sexually he says whether you like it or not. i acknowledge him as sound. my head falls to one side & liquid runs from my mouth.
5.
the young woman is not responding. you've gone all limp. he says smiling. you're like a sack of potatoes. i think you're being selfish. he lifts her arm again & lets it drop. it hits the bedside table. he hears the knuckle crack. come on he says. she must have felt that.
part of him knows that she is faking. she is responding physically. she is all wet. perhaps she will come around if he roughs her up a bit. he slaps her in the face & sticks his fingers into her rib cage. but she doesn't flinch. she is solid weight. barely breathing. when there is no response he says good. that's just the way i like them.
he rolls her over. onto her back. parts her legs. moves his body in between. i'll fix her wagon he thinks. the bitch. she must be faking. she said no sex. but she isn't complaining. in addition she seems fairly moist. & he has an erection. he feels okay in his own bed. in control. a good woman. a wet crotch. erect nipples. a dead mind. just the way he likes them.
6.
inside me there is fear. fear. heart pounds in my chest. i have to move. he is a creep. a hairy body squashing me. being held down. no condom on. pregnancy. or death. death thoughts. the frightening thing. i can feel him probing. assaulting me. taking my clothes away. his hands on my body. betweeen my legs. beneath my breasts. cannot move. he says it's small. but it's not how big it is. it's what you do with it that counts. he is a creep. i want out. the terrible moment. when i think. i cannot come back to defend myself. then i explode. an explosion of fear. my fists come pounding on his throat. his face. he defends himself. he naturally assumes i am overreacting. he jumps out from between my legs. he is still erect. both naked together in his bed. i am unsure of my position. but i say it anyway. if you had raped me. i would have rung the police. i look at his face. but the man is a statue. has no reaction to this.
