52. they said i was a silly girl who needed stitches, & sent me home to cut some more
i was releasing a lot of serious blood that had been pent up inside, red blood that contained anger, it was more than my angry self, it was an anger beyond myself, a world anger, at the townhouse, at wollongong, at resisting the drug of my own blood, i had to learn to sit on the lounge on top of my hands & to be aware of what i was doing, sometimes i sat there for two hours, then i forgot & got up, before i knew it i was in the kitchen with a knife in my hand, my flatmate was watching tv when i arrived home, i didn't say hello, i went straight to my bedroom & found a razor blade, i used it to cut deeply into my legs & arms, the skin sliced open easily as i cut thin lines the length & width of my body, in some places i cut patterns & criss crosses, it hurt but not nearly as much as a knife would have, i said 'sorry' to myself as i did it, i did not contact anyone who would care about me, just in case there wasn't anyone, i cut lines into my wrists, but not too deeply, i went to the bathroom, past the loungeroom where my flatmate was watching the tv, blood was rushing out of the cuts onto the carpet, i began to panic, i quickly jumped into the shower to wash away the blood, he began to bang the bathroom door down, i told him that i was all right & that everything was under control, he came in & saw me crouching in the bath trying to wash away all the blood, but it kept coming, i wrapped the towel around me & couldn't look at him, he threw me my clothes shouting 'why coral, why?', & saying that i couldn't live there anymore, i guess he was shocked, i felt calm, he took me to hospital, they patched up my wounds & they gave me a tranquilizer, they said, 'you won't do this again now will you?', i said, 'no, & that everything was under control' they said i was a silly girl who needed stitches, & sent me home to cut some more, a few days later i realised i was scarred for life, i wore clothes that hid my cuts & didn't talk to anybody, i planned suicide, i knew the location & length of time it would take me to bleed to death before anybody found me, it was so easy it was too easy, i rang eddie but he wasn't home, i sat on my own on the front verandah of the heroin house with the blades stuck in my wrists & car keys in my hands, i sat like this for several hours making a few small cuts on other parts of my body & talking to my cuts, i finally took myself to bed defeated & exhausted, i tried to keep up the emergency in order to kill myself but i had waited too long & the feeling subsided, at 2.30 a.m. eddie arrived, when he switched on the light i was lying beneath the blanket, i had been drinking the blood from my wrists, i thought he was my father, i said 'go away', i felt sorry for what had happened to my skin, i think i did really want to live, later i went around with a steel pipe, smashing in all the guttering around the house |