38. there is no romance in the nervous breakdown, no creativity
there is no romance in the nervous breakdown, no creativity, no extraordinary personality, no extra-sensory perception, no movie star status underneath it all, no lost sleeping beauty, no great sex life, no quick fix, no-one for you to rescue, there's nothing in it for you, unless you are a drug pusher like a doctor or a chemist, no genetic predisposition, no great thinker or philosophy, basically you are a very sick person, an invalid, in the black gut of insanity, the sooner you get out, the sooner you'll be able to do your shopping again, the sooner you'll be able to get up out of that loungechair & walk to the toilet without someone holding your hand, you are not a psychic, an alien, an artist, jesus christ, a killer, holistic, einstein or napolean, you are fuck-all, a dysfunctional waste of life & time, you are having a breakdown, you don't know what happened or where it came from, you don't know what fucking day it is, you are fragile, you can't do anything, it's all different, you can't feel nature, you forget whatever isn't directly in front of you, you look different in the mirror, all your belongings are different, you can't be bothered looking after anything, you are told to 'snap out of it', you wonder what the hell is going on, you feel very ill, you can't seem to organise yourself, there is no overall structure, you think your counsellor will turn against you or abandon you, you plan to kill him by giving him a poison apple, you join a religion, you have to lie down, you can't take too much pressure, you are fear activated, you sleep on the floor or in the gutter, you are reduced, you are frustrated, you can't break through into the real world, your monsters & repetitive dreams of persecution are telling you that all the others in the real word are happy, but that you can't get there because you are a snivelling little fuckwit, the monsters within you, are a lot stronger, you don't think you're going to make it through, you are superbly crazy today, you can't do anything, can't manage to feed yourself properly, feeding the dog is a problem, you can't keep your room tidy & it takes all your energy to read this, you think you are mad, that i'm talking to you when i'm not, you have been unable to leave the bed in months, you don't know what has happened to all your friends, your career or your social life, you drift in & out of a stupor all day, have they drugged your food & drinking water?, are they all out to get you?, you want your counsellor to stay with you & stroke your skin, you don't care where he touches you, don't even know if it's him, it's obscene, you cry, you sleep up to eighteen hours a day & it's not enough, you are exhausted, you can't seem to stay awake, you find yourself in constant battles with loss of motivation, you can't be bothered showering, it worries you for a few hours until you end up not having one, you have been in the same clothes for weeks, your car is broken down, you boil yourself a few vegetables & the arse burns out of the saucepan, that is your success story for the day, you worry about your independence, but what can you do?, you just keep forgetting, you stay in bed all day sleeping on & off, sometimes you just lie with your eyes open, you should be losing weight but you're gaining, your last month at uni, no-one knows about you, you'll never pass your exams, you collapse in on yourself, you see cartwheels & little bicycle pedals spinning, what will you do today?, smash things?, cut your wrists?, your face?, your throat?, stab?, punch?, cry & try to drive them away?, now stay seated, tolerate the pain & remain calm, the M.I.B.s will come to silence you shortly, this story can't get out to the press, you are no guru, no mystic, you are actually very hard to live with, you spend most of the time sitting around, or talking about angels & agents, you have the appearance of a lazy two-bob derelict or an addict, you haven't got the energy to do the washing up |
