23. lettuce doesn't prefer classical music over heavy metal, a vegan is not from the planet vega & a tomato is not an animal
people like to fantasise about vegans, that the moment we go without food, we will start ripping out the jugulars of any available animal that wanders into the path of our hunger, due to our tremendous hungry cravings for animal fat, that must have just been building up inside us over the hours & years, it's like that angry boyfriend who finally comes out with the ultimate insult, the insult that he knows will destroy the lives of all women if it is ever unleashed, & it builds & builds up inside him until he just can't contain it anymore, until he just has to say it & finally he screams into your face 'YOU FAT SLUT!', of course no women have ever heard this said about them before, did he think it came as the big surprise?, i think that a weight was lifted from his heart when he was finally able to release it, some people assume that vegans turn into african lions at the mere whiff of blood on the air, at the same time they also use lions to justify their flesh-eating habit, you may be told that it is for our own survival that we eat animal flesh, that lions do it so why can't we?, flesh-eaters will often justify their preference for flesh by citing the lion as an example, whilst on the other hand, slagging off animals at leisure, 'you're an animal behaving like that,' thus animals are conveniently used to justify their own immoral behaviours, whilst being something that they don't wish to aspire to, because as human beings we are better than that, to this i say, 'if you want to eat flesh like a lion, then live in africa, grow claws & golden manes & drag down your prey with your teeth, then you may get asked, 'can you eat a tomato?, is that okay?', your answer could be, 'well i'm sure tomatoes are quite okay, i've heard that they are doing fine', you could say, remembering that vegans do not eat animal products, 'is a tomato an animal, a vegetable or a mineral?', if they realise it is of plant origin they will give you the tomato, if they think it is a mineral, then tell them to bury it in the backyard, then, if there is still confusion over the physiological makeup of a tomato, ring for a therapist, 'but what do you eat apart from tomatoes?', well, you don't have to be too bright to work this one out, but for those who lack the most basic insight you could say, 'i eat leaves, sediments & small twigs that float down from the upper tracts of mountain streams', of course we dare not eat lettuce, because lettuces scream don't they?, they are warm-blooded sentient beings, who have central nervous systems & prefer classical music to heavy metal, also does a vegan who eats lettuce somehow illogically justify or give a flesh-eater permission to go on a killing spree for the rest of their lives?, 'oh well, you ate a carrot, i might as well rip the throats out of half a dozen lambs', or 'oh well, we can't help killing something so long as we're alive so we might as well make a big fucking bloodbath of it', to ease their troubled consciences, & to distract the attention away from their own wrongdoing, flesh-eaters tend to be overly helpful to vegans in restaurants, of course vegans, being from the planet vega, will need guidance & looking after, on arriving back from the toilet, you may find that the flesh-eaters in your company have talked about nothing more than the ways in which to make you comfortable, or they may have already discovered the menu on your behalf, 'oh look, there's a vegetarian section', or 'oh look, there's a social outcast's section, how good of the restaurant to provide for strange ones like you', the flesh-eaters in your company will appear happy for you, they will appear to be helpful, they will appear to be looking after your best interests, being the lonely social outcasts that you are, whilst already having ordered baby calf corpses fresh & deliciously bloody from the dairy industry, dead pig flesh, chicken's menstrual cycles & grey goose liver pate, to this you could say, 'i do not need looking after, but the animals whose lives you are in process of destroying do', finally they will try & persuade you into just a nibble of corruption, as if it's the big temptation, as if every vegan who gets a little bit of chicken fat & salt on their lip will suddenly start tearing the heads of live birds, 'oh can't you eat this soup?, there's not much meat in it, just a little bit of chicken', what confuses me is, how can a little bit of chicken be any different to a whole bloody chicken?, does the easy-going chicken simply stick out its crumbed leg (drumstick) & say, 'here, just take a little bite out of me, it won't hurt?', does the dairy cow simply stick out one of her tits & say, 'here, just suck out a little bit of my creamy white fat, junior won't mind?', whilst the hungry calf stands aside & looks on?, does taking just a little bit mean that you are a little less guilty?, or are you simply doing it to make the chicken's legs lighter?, if i took a little bit of your optical retina for an all day sucker, would it be acceptable to you?, so when you are offered just a little bit of chicken in soup, you could say, 'why don't you just throw the whole fucking corpse in & make a big fucking splash with it, never do things by half, go for it, pronto, slit the throat of the calf, lick the arse of a pig with a bit of salt sprinkled on it, & bite the head off the chook yourself' |
