66. each time i eat out of control, i am losing sight of my dreams
it all revolves around food, where am i going to get it?, what am i going to have?, how much am i going to eat?, what effect will this have on my body?, will i gain too much weight?, am i hungry or not?, maybe not, but i'm feeling distressed, until i just go for it mindlessly, the little evening pep-me-up binges, & the long months of anxious starvation, once inside the corner shop the panic sets in, i do not know whether i want the food or not, there is really nothing there i feel like, all pointless chocolatey junk, but defeated & alone i go for the brightest-coloured wrapper, on good nights i get home & feed it to the dogs, each time i trudge down to that corner shop, i know that i am deeply unhappy with my life, each time i eat out of control, i am losing sight of my dreams, it stops me from focusing & from moving forward, that's what i'm getting out of it, each time i lay on the dirty old lounge in front of the tv, i'm letting others run the world for me, drugged up on biscuits & oily dip, i'm letting others live the life i should be living, i know that fat is pain & that there is no-one around to love me, but there will always be diet coke & potato crisps for fear, & cinnamon donuts to fill up that empty space |
