43. the way i stare back into the camera, my presence is disturbing to her
she is quite comfortable with the fact that she has never loved me, in addition she has covered her tracks expertly, to save herself not only guilt, but the threat of changing her attitude, every time she sees me my eyes are accusing, the way i stare back into the camera, my presence is disturbing to her, even when i'm happy she finds an accusation in my facial expression & for this reason does not like to be in my presence, she finds my happiness the most disturbing & i am puzzled, surely it would ease her own guilt to find out that through it all i became happy anyway, i thought she might at least like to try & take some responsibility for this, my newfound happiness, but it only disturbed her & she hated me for it, i find this puzzling, because when i was happy i could forgive her, so then i could love her even more, but her attitude was scornful & she resented me loving her, so she tried to hammer me down to size, tried to make me accept my rightful place within the family, that place where i was never happy, only wanting to die, but i was too healthy to take my old position as doormat, black sheep & scapegoat, so i gave them all the flick, but they didn't want to change & they chased me for a while trying to stick the boot in, they were very surprised that they could desire someone so rotten, crazy & horrific as myself, & that they actually missed me, & that i didn't miss them, it shocked them & shook them up for awhile, but i wasn't surprised at all |
