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JANUARY 10TH, 1998, PRETEND MOTHERS
My mother's disinterest was the dry scrub and woodland between Trangie and Dubbo, her neglect was a landscape with a lonely soul, Trevor talked about his daughter Caitlin often, he said, 'they drove her to netball, they drove her to the shops, they drove her all over Castlemaine and that gave them purpose, but they wouldn't let me see her, once I saw the car drive by, the two mothers in the front seat, and a lonely little girl in the backseat, finally she couldn't be bothered seeing me, because she was in a mad rush, she was like a miniature doctor churning out scripts, when you visit doctors, they don't do anything much, until the signing of the Medicare slip is due, then they seem to come alive and you feel ripped off, I always feel ripped off whenever I go to a doctor's surgery, anyway, I wasn't about to let her get away with it, so I wouldn't sign the form, then it was on for young and old as she lost control, I had my brothers Dale and Brendon trying to help me, guarding our bedrooms as the house became more and more open, Trevor was sitting on my bed talking to me and there was the mad doctor standing there half in inside the door, explaining why he had suddenly gone silent, but at this stage we don't need a house call, then my mother was in that house that was opening up, she was fading like a ghost and walking her motherless walk, I only ever saw from behind, whilst she only ever looked on into the future and away from me, the heart-shaped lump persisted beneath my ribcage, long after the forms were signed and released, the doctor became my enemy with me determined not to sign the Medicare form, 'fuck that,' I said, 'she didn't do anything, she didn't look after me,' the look on my face should have told her that it would never be signed, even if she stuck a revolver into my mouth it would never be signed, I was so angry that I knew that if someone shot me in the guts one day, that my last worlds before I fell would be, 'that feels good,' I laughed after my mother demanding that she take care of things and look after the house, then the looters came in with the sunlight as the house was vanishing, I ran back to my bedroom and found that my computer monitor was gone, only the discs where still there, everyone was taking everything away and I couldn't stop them, there was this feeling of being personally violated and stolen from, I followed the thieves to their whereabouts, a dangerous place, out the back there were a few old metal doors, I opened one and there was a stack of computers, but I couldn't find my monitor, I couldn't find my window to the world, my mother had always disliked windows, she closed them all the time avoiding fresh air, whilst I liked them open awaiting storms and lightning, I knew that I couldn't get back what I had lost, I could only do the right thing, I rang the telstra to ask for NYC police, they said, 'what part of NYC are you in?,' and I didn't know, there was a touch of anxiety, then the dogs woke me up by barking ravenously at the locked font door. |
