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AUGUST 28TH, 1997, A QUIET MOMENT
I took refuge in animals from the pain of what couldn't be rescued inside of me, each animal that I didn't save meant some part of me would remain harmed and violated, it is the perfect fix to save lives of the dearest souls on the earth, but you cannot look into my broken childhood for me, or one who tries to put the pieces of lives back together, for there are many damaged people who go around perpetuating the damage that was done to them, when your life becomes painful and intolerable you can chose the two paths, one will be the broken path that your destroyed self hovels along, looking to perpetuate its own destruction by doing to others what was done to you, the other path is uphill but still intact with solid stones, you stumble onto a few slipping out at internals from your weathered shoes, this steeper path seems the harder one to follow but the foundations are solid, this is the path that you will chose if you aim to heal the damage that has been inflicted upon you, in order to do this you much reach into yourself and reach out to save the world at the same time, the only way to repair damage is to reach these two places with .love simultaneously, it is along this path that you will choose to rescue the plants, then you will truly be saved, I abandoned by own spirit because of how damaged it had become and turned it over to a higher power, it was do that or die, or walk the broken path to brokeness, somehow there comes the turning point for anyone who reaches in to touch their own compassion, at this point the life is turned around, dreams are shattered illusions and the good work in the world begins, I wanted to travel the world but I couldn't afford to, so I travelled within my own country and within myself, the infinite world, I wanted to travel the world, yet at each turn there was heartbreak, the world was covered with as much heartbreak as it was plants, it was fully vegetated with heartbreak, when I travelled around Australia, it was not how I had imagined, it was as though someone had just arrived there before me, in order to destroy it before I arrived, I was always arriving at the leftovers, always too late, I came across a similar situation when I travelled my inner world, I arrived at a desecrated garden, they had all got in there and polluted the place where I was supposed to live, so that love could never exist there, so I quietly tended that garden all through my twenties, at first I had to be psychotic to exist there, to run across the charred ground in my bare feet chasing off demons and calling out to nothing but damage, it was a very creepy bad garden and yet it was all I had left within myself once they had finished their work, now that garden is blooming after ten years of putting love and effort into it, I believe that I have got it back to the state that I should have started out with, it has taken half my life to do that, it has turned into such a beautiful garden, I am aware that beneath some bushes the charred ground exists, these are the empty damaged places left within myself that no amount of love can ever rectify, on my dark days when the sky clouds over these shadowy patches turn darker and I feel the damage, at first I tried to make the garden pristine and was very distressed that I couldn't get rid of every dark place, then I realised that a garden has many different levels of existance, it is dark under shrubs and slaters, the cold damp places, the birds move between the dimensions of sky and plants, and the earthworms love the deep dark soils, so for the garden to exist in its complexity these places had to be acknowledged and accepted, the shadowy garden was the sum of me, I looked into billabong,'do I really have to travel the world?,' today a dear donkey named Kora walked into the garden and rested her big grey head on my shoulder, I knew that there was so much work to be done here, the garden I had tended was a good foundation, the next time I travel in the world there will be small reasons, but I won't be looking for the beautiful damaged garden, I won't be looking for another person to help me cultivate it, as much as I would have liked that, I have now tended that garden all by myself. |
