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APRIL 15TH, 1998, TWO EXAMPLES OF A HEALTHY SELF IMAGE
1.
He's good at putting on thick white socks tonight, I was a big fat woman just out the shower, wrapped up in a fluffy pink towel, who had eaten too much pasta, I wanted to vomit and my breasts were soggy and hot, hanging down my middle like something washed up onto a tropical beach, I wanted my hair up in a bun and my white socks put on and pulled up to my knees, I looked like the type of thing we used to get bashed up in school for being, I said, 'I look like a dag', I was bloated and tired and he said, that 'I looked like a bit of a dag,' as he smiled, he seemed content, but why did he love me like that?, I could hardly believe my luck, no one else had seen me like this, only the clock and the corners of the room, only the glass ashtray, only my cats who went by smell and smelt, 'she is not well', so they wanted me better, but people aren't like cats, I wanted to be alone like this, because when I am like this, I have nothing to give them, but my needs or my sickness, I keep away and remain hidden then, because if I am found, I know they will peck at my bloated flesh, like I was a leftover christmas pig or a chicken.
2.
Many red lipsticks had been abandoned to my old chip board drawers, you don't want that red lipstick do you?, no, I actually don't wear it anymore, even though my mother said I looked ugly without it, she said that 'I looked like nothing special', that I could only be heard and seen through war paint, I thought Ronald Macdonald and Madonna wear it and they're powerful, I haven't actually worn it for awhile, and when I put on some red lipstick and nail polish again, I looked like an old whore, it wasn't decorative but like bleeding from the mouth and nails, besides 'it was too severe,' he said, he wanted me softer so he could get to know me on his terms, he wasn't prepared to do the work, he was too afraid of a shiny car or boat and scissors in the heart, besides when I don't wear lipstick I can eat apples anywhere I want, and don't have to run to every mirror I see, also most men who have made an impact in this world don't have to wear it, okay, here's the deal, when Bob Dylan wears red lipstick then so will I, when he learns to sleep in it, and answer the door in it, as well as write his songs in it, then so will I. |
