Coral Hull: Poetry: Psychic Gun: 1. Early Years/ 20. The Teacher

I MACKENZIE KNIGHT I A CHILD OF WRATH A GOD OF LOVE I FALLEN ANGELS EXPOSED I

CORAL HULL: PSYCHIC GUN
20. THE TEACHER

i visited him a few times in his dingy south sydney
unit/ he was into war stuff & showed me various
photos, pictures & memorabilia/ i thought it was
interesting enough liking the company/ he told me

that he was fit for his age at thirty three/ i looked
at his body/ it seemed average/ i thought he's a
bit self conscious/ we mainly talked/ i sat in a
chair with the lamp shade on/ it shone into my

eyes & once he made us soup/ he asked me
questions/ i talked about a lot of things/ i wanted
to tell him i was on amphetamine but couldn't/ he
gradually brought the conversations around to sex/

i said i hadn't had a intimate relationship/ he said
'how old are you?'/ 'seventeen'/ he laughed/ he
said 'i don't believe it'/ we had an argument/ i felt
insecure & became irritated/ mr modern history

said that i was full of misconceptions about intimacy/
when i insisted that sex was equated with romantic
love/ i felt foolish as if he knew something that i
didn't/ & like he was trying to destroy something

in me/ but i put it down to him being misinformed
or immoral/ i was disappointed in him/ i thought
he is not the sort of boyfriend i would want/ this
was on the third visit/ on the fourth visit we talked

for an hour & then he put his hand on my knee/ i
didn't like it but i felt that he was reaching out to
help me/ i felt so miserable inside at that moment/
so desperately lonely/ then he held my hand/ i

didn't want to make a fool of myself/ so i just let
my hand fall limp/ he kept talking but i had
stopped/ i couldn't hear what he was saying/
then he leaned over & started kissing me/ he

pulled me off the chair onto the floor/ i felt like
crying but couldn't/ i wanted to bury my head
into his jumper & cling on/ i thought is he going
to be my boyfriend?/ i didn't know what to do/ so

i kissed him/ if i stopped would he talk to me
again?/ i could hardly believe this was happening/
i had no desire for sex/ no idea of the emotional
consequences of it/ i only knew that i didn't want

it/ he touched me & laughed at my cotton tail
undies & thick padded bra/ mum advised me to
buy them/ saying that they would be functional on
the cold nights in the factory/ at school i had been

rebellious/ now i felt stripped of my power/
ridiculous/ he grabbed my hand & forced it
onto his penis/ the pressure was hurting my fingers/
i looked down/ it reminded me of a sanitarium

frankfurt/ that's all i thought of it/ i preferred him
as my form master/ something precious was being
destroyed/ his eyes rolled backwards in his head
& he started making strange noises that reminded

me of a dog/ it was too much/ i pulled my hand
away & jumped up/ i rushed to grab my clothes/
i saw myself in the mirrors/ i looked so thin &
pale/ my lipstick smudged/ i fled his house in

my woolworths uniform/ my underclothes
bundled up on my stomach/ my hair dishevelled/
i felt like a whore/ i couldn't tell anyone/ i felt
like it was my fault & a terrible sense of loss/ i

was so shocked that i couldn't cry/ i trusted him/
but his naked body standing at the flat door with
his erection made me feel like vomiting/ a few
days later he rang the townhouse/ when i picked

up the phone he said 'anytime you want to lose
your virginity i think you should do it with an
experienced man/ & i'm here so you just give
me a ring'/ i hung up on him/ my mother was

sitting on the opposite lounge, gnawing on a huge
block of chocolate & watching prisoner on tv/
she looked over without blinking & said 'that's
not that school teacher again, is it?'

    

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