i was dropped off at nanny's during school
holidays/ i brought her pink candle with plastic
flowers around it called a holiday candle/ she
held it in her lap in her mauve outfit & cried &
said 'oh coral'/ a shiver ran up my neck/ nanny
took me to the souvenir shops at kings cross &
she bought me a 'snow storm' with the sydney
harbour bridge & the opera house inside it/ we
never stayed until after dark because dad said
the place was full of child molesters/ at night i
sat amongst the antique furniture at boonah
avenue/ played tic-tac-toe, coloured in with thick
textas & waterpaints, cut out old christmas cards
& pasted them into scrapbooks & finally hurt
nanny's feelings, by refusing to kiss her goodnight
after she had tickled my forehead & by sulking in
the big pink bedspreads/ i heard the rainy weather
outside the bedroom window/ my brothers were
never dropped off/ dad said that i had the black
hand on my back/ i never knew what he meant/
but i felt the black hand on my back in the shape
of his hand/ how did i get my father to stop hitting
me?/ my mother to acknowledge me?/ i only ever
remember her back/ she kissed me goodnight her
lips were cold & that was it/ i used to fall over so
she would bandage up my knees/ then i started
falling over during infants until pretty soon it
became a habit/ as soon as one wound healed i
fell over & opened it up again/ i felt like the life
was being knocked out of me/ a dead girl with a
cracked forehead/ lighting the holiday candle to
keep the black hand off her back
